Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate: Atlantis
Characters: Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Xander Harris, Evan Lorne, Rodney McKay, John Sheppard, Willow Rosenberg, Elizabeth Weir
Summary: Xander and Willow, meet the Atlantis expedition. Atlantis expedition, meet Xander and Willow.
Written for 100crackfics. Prompt: 73. Help? Prompt table is here.
"So, nice day," said Rodney, looking around at the scenery. The sun was shining brightly, the meadows were rolling and green, and the horizon was dotted with trees, and completely clear of anything that looked like a threat. "Very pretty."
"Yeah," said Sheppard sourly. "Doesn't everything seem, I don't know, awfully quiet to you?"
"It is very pleasant," said Teyla. "But did you not once tell me there is no such thing as 'too quiet,' John?"
A loud shriek echoed across the landscape. Ronon drew his gun. "Think it's Wraith?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, now you've gone and ruined it," said Rodney, flinging his hands up in the air. "Thanks a lot, Teyla."
"Cut off the hand with the big suckie-thingie!" A woman's high, panicked voice carried over the hill.
"I'm trying, I'm trying, but Mr. Creepy Pants here isn't cooperating!" The man answering her sounded out of breath. Which, if you went with the idea that he was fighting a Wraith, wasn't unreasonable.
"Would you cooperate if someone was trying to cut off your hand?" asked the woman.
"No, but I wouldn't be trying to suck out someone's brains with my hand either!" The man yelped. "He almost got me! A little help here, Will!"
Sheppard rolled his eyes, gripped his P-90 more carefully, and started running, the rest of his team following along behind. "I knew this mission was going too well."
"You did not!" Rodney ran along behind him, only slightly out of breath. "You thought it was a nice day. Admit it." They topped the hill and Rodney froze.
"What the hell?" asked Sheppard.
A man in blue jeans and a t-shirt had a medieval axe in both hands, and was backing up slowly from a Wraith. There was a redheaded woman in a long green corduroy skirt and a purple sweater standing off to the side, flapping her hands in the air. Her mouth was a giant 'o' and she was bouncing slightly on her toes. The man took a swing at the Wraith, missing the feeding hand, but taking a chunk out of its side.
Rodney winced. "That's gotta hurt," he said.
"You missed!" exclaimed the girl, pointing and waving her arm in the air.
"Depth perception is so not my thing these days!" snapped the man, swinging again. "A little less with the backseat driving and a little more with the chanty, please!"
"Oh, right," said the woman. She instantly stopped fidgeting, took a deep breath, and--
"I've had just about enough of this," said Sheppard. "Down!" he called out.
The man glanced, and Rodney saw an eye patch. Oh. That explained the depth perception comment. "Will, hit the deck!" he called, flinging the axe at the Wraith and then throwing himself down as Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon opened fire. Rodney didn't bother. He figured that three guns would be enough to take out any Wraith, especially given the very large, very sharp axe currently sticking out of its back.
"Well, well, well," said Sheppard, strolling down the hill. "How'd you two kids get all the way out here?"
"Kids!" exclaimed the woman, standing up and dusting herself off. "I'll have you know that we're--"
"I told you not to major in archaeology," said the man. He rolled onto his side, pushed himself up, and went over to the Wraith. Bracing one foot on its side, he grabbed the axe haft and started tugging it out of the Wraith. "How many times have I shown you Raiders of the Lost Ark?"
"Xander!" The woman's eyes were wide. "That's fiction! Besides, we weren't on a dig for the Ark of the Covenant. For your information, Giles told me that he thought that temple was the site of some very ancient Goddess-worshippers--"
"Goddess-worshippers with freaky alien artifacts that transported us to a freaky alien planet," said the man, staring at the axe. "Great. Now my birthday present from Buffy is covered in alien blood."
"That's not an alien, that's a demon," said the woman.
"Oh, no, that's an alien," said Rodney, pushing forward. Raiders of the Lost Ark? They were from Earth? Though, well, that would explain the blue jeans.
"See?" said Xander, pointing at Rodney. "He agrees with me. Besides, have you seen every episode of Star Trek a dozen times each, Willow? I know from alien."
"Even Voyager?" asked Rodney, frowning.
"Two words, man," said Xander. "B'Elanna Torres." Behind him, Rodney saw as Willow rolled her eyes.
"Oh. Uh. I actually always preferred Captain Janeway," said Rodney. "It's the, uh--"
"Rodney's got a thing for blondes," interrupted Sheppard. "Now, why don't you put down the big axe, and we can all introduce ourselves real-friendly-like. Because we're all friends here."
"Since you guys have all the big guns, I think I'll keep the axe," said Xander. "It's a security blanket kind of thing. Besides, you can still shoot me before I can use it on you."
"Point," said Sheppard. "All right, then, I'm Colonel John Sheppard, this is Dr. Rodney McKay, that's Teyla Emmagan, and my big buddy over here is Ronon Dex."
"Wow," said Willow, her eyes glued to Teyla. "Oh, uh, hi! I mean, um, hi. I'm, uh, Willow Rosenberg."
"Xander Harris," said Xander. "And great, you're military. Ever heard of the Initiative?"
"If I had, it'd be classified," said John.
"Oh, yeah, that whole thing," said Xander. He sighed. "I hate the military."
"Tell me about it," said Willow. "Totally biased. I couldn't join even if I wanted to!"
"Blah, blah, lesbian pride, we get it," said Xander, rolling his eyes. "Hell, we even agree with it, but could you maybe chill when the nice Earth people who can help get us back there are in the military and we don't want to offend them?"
"I am not from Earth," said Teyla.
"Me either." Ronon shrugged. "Sure it's a nice place, though."
"You're aliens?" Willow's eyes were wide.
"I'm neither an alien, nor military," said Rodney. "What I am is the resident genius who saves their asses on a regular basis." Why Willow was nodding sympathetically, he didn't know. "Why are you talking about demons?"
"We went to high school on a Hellmouth," said Xander. "They were kind of a fact of life in Sunnydale."
"Isn't that the entire town that got swallowed up in an earthquake?" asked Rodney.
"That's the one," said Willow, nodding. "Only it actually wasn't an earthquake. The whole town got sucked into hell when the First Evil tried to emerge. Except we had to stop it."
"Did Major Lorne not say that he graduated from a place called Sunnydale High School?" asked Teyla, frowning.
"I wasn't paying attention," said Rodney.
"Wait, Lorne?" Xander frowned, snapping his fingers. "That name sounds familiar."
"Oh, Evan Lorne!" Willow nodded. "He'd graduated and joined the military by the time we were there, but don't you remember his little sister? She used to hang out with Cordelia."
"Ix-nay on the Ordelia-cay," said Xander.
"Oh, please, just because you used to date her," said Willow. "God, I can't believe Aura's big brother is on an alien planet."
"Lorne's got a sister named Aura?" Rodney groaned. "What, were his parents hippies?"
"Dude, it's California," said Xander.
"We're going to be heading back to Atlantis now," announced Sheppard.
"Atlantis?" squeaked Willow. "Like, the Atlantis? Like the city--"
"Yeah, that Atlantis," said Sheppard. "Can we manage without running commentary the entire way back to the 'gate?"
"You're back," said Elizabeth. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "And you've brought guests. John?"
Sheppard grimaced. It passed for a smile sometimes, but never with Elizabeth. "Don't ask me," he said. "Couple of college kids. Alien artifact. Instant transportation from Earth."
"And she's a lesbian." Rodney jerked his thumb at Willow.
"Hey!" exclaimed Willow, glaring at him.
"What?" Rodney scoffed. "It's not as if you didn't manage to work it into the conversation every five minutes on the walk back to the 'gate. Could you be a little more obvious about hitting on Teyla?"
Teyla smiled very, very patiently at Elizabeth. "John thought we should extend the hospitality of Atlantis after Xander was brave enough to face down a Wraith with nothing but an axe."
"He was trying to eat my brains!" exclaimed Xander. "Plus, spiffy new Buffy birthday axe. Had to give it a try."
"Actually, he was trying to drain your life away," said Elizabeth. "Think of the Wraith as a kind of alien vampire, if it helps."
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," said Xander. He turned to Willow. "I hate vampires."
Willow nodded. "Oh, me too," she said. "Why did we have to get stuck with vampires again?"
"Because God hates us," said Xander. "Seriously. That has to be it. Excuse me, ma'am, but you wouldn't happen to know if this city is located on top of a Hellmouth, would you? Because that's just our luck."
"I think Carson needs to check you over," said Elizabeth. "And then why don't all of you report to the briefing room, and we can figure out just how this happened."
As they filed past, Elizabeth grabbed Rodney's sleeve. "Figure this out," she hissed. "And fast."
"Apparently Miss Rosenberg here has the ATA gene," said Carson.
"Witch!" exclaimed Willow. "It's not a funky genetic thing, it's magic."
"And she activated what sounds like a very lovely Ancient artifact during the archaeological dig she was interning with," continued Carson, ignoring her. "I recommend giving Dr. Jackson a call."
Xander tapped on the briefing room table, very clearly not saying anything.
"Just say it!" exclaimed Willow, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms.
"I'm not saying anything," said Xander. "Why would you think I wanted to say something?"
"Because you have that look," said Willow. She stuck her lower lip out and started pouting. "Don't you dare say you don't, Xander Harris."
"Fine." Xander smirked at her. "I told you not to major in archaeology, I told you not to go on the dig, and I told you that the mysterious lost temple of the First Ones was trouble. But did you listen to me? No. And now we're in an alien galaxy with alien space vampires."
"Meanie poopiehead," said Willow, sulking.
"Could we please all act like adults?" asked Elizabeth. "We've sent a message off to Earth, we've heard back from a Captain Riley Finn, and--"
"You heard from Riley?" Willow bolted upright. "How is he? Is he fine? Are they still demon-hunting in South America? Are--"
"Captain Finn is cleared to come out to Atlantis on the Daedalus' next flight," continued Elizabeth. "He's going to escort you two back to Area 51--"
"Hah! I knew it!" exclaimed Xander. He looked at Willow smugly. "Told you. Pay up."
"Xander, we made that bet when we were ten!" exclaimed Willow. "You can't possibly expect me to--"
"Pay. Up." Xander held out his hand.
"Fine," said Willow, sulking again. She reached into her pocket, pulled out a crumpled dollar bill, and handed it over to Xander. "There is so an Area 51, and you were right all along."
The briefing room door opened. "Dr. Weir?" asked Lorne, stepping inside. "You needed me here?"
"Ohmigod, that's totally Aura's brother," said Willow.
"Ma'am?" asked Lorne.
"Didn't you go to Sunnydale High?" asked Elizabeth.
"It was one hell of a high school," said Lorne, frowning at Willow and Xander. "Yeah, sometimes I feel like I barely made it out of there with my life."
"Tell me about it," muttered Xander.
"Don't think you need to," said Lorne. "Didn't you two graduate with Aura? That time with the big snake?"
"Big snake?" asked Rodney.
"That was actually the mayor," explained Willow. "He wanted to turn into a demon, so we blew up the school to stop him."
"I was on leave at the time," said Lorne. "Whole graduating class had concealed weapons under their robes. It was something else, gotta say."
"Is it me?" asked Rodney. "Or is this place getting weirder every day?"
"It's not just you," muttered Sheppard.
"I wanna go home," said Willow. "Giles is gonna be furious."
"So you're gonna be all right?" asked Lorne. "Don't tell my sister where I am. You guys know what 'classified' means, right?"
Xander nodded, hands in his pockets as he stared around the control room one last time. "Yeah, and what do I care about that again?"
"Prison," said Sheppard. "Not to mention the fact that it'll make you the target of body-stealing aliens trying to take over the world."
"Hah, I was right! Again!" Xander smirked and held out a hand. "Come on, Will."
Willow rolled her eyes. "Fine, but don't blame me if you mysteriously get hexed on the way home," she said. She pulled out another crumpled dollar bill and handed it over.
Xander waited expectantly.
"What?" asked Willow.
"Let's hear the rest of it," said Xander. "You know."
"Fine," she said, sulking. "Xander, you were right all along about body-stealing aliens trying to take over the world."
"Thank you. So, you get anywhere with Teyla?" asked Xander.
"Nope." Willow looked smug.
"Who?" Xander sighed. "Come on, Will, tell your best friend ever?"
Willow smirked. "Why should I?"
"Because who else are you going to talk to about it the entire six week trip back to Earth?" asked Xander.
"Oh, yeah," said Willow. "I really wish Buffy were here."
"She's fine," said Xander. "So, you gonna share?"
Willow leaned over and whispered in his ear. Xander's eyes widened and he whistled. "Damn. Do you have to have the same taste in women as me?"
"I guess." Willow shrugged apologetically.
"They're ready to beam you up now," said Lorne, tapping his radio off.
"That is so cool," said Xander. "Real transporters!"
"Geek," muttered Willow.
"Beam us up, Scotty!" exclaimed Xander, grinning and giving them a thumbs-up as the white light of the Asgard transporter enveloped them.
"Who'd Harris try and hit on, anyway?" asked Sheppard, once the control room was clear.
"Cadman," said Lorne.
"Oh," said Sheppard. "I need to go and be alone now."
"Right there with you, sir," said Lorne. "Only not. With you, that is."
"Yeah," said Sheppard. "Got it."